Brimming and whirring
Ever since my twins were born in 2000, there have been agonizing moments when I wondered if being a working mother was the right path for me to take.
Nevermind the fact that I really couldn't afford not to work.
When they clung to my legs at daycare and begged me not to leave, day after day - for months. When I guardedly, optimistically sent them to school with the sniffles, only to be called as soon as I got to work to take them home. When someone other than me saw them crawl for the first time, when I forgot to pack their snack, or their library book, when my boss told me that I'd missed so much work to care for sick children that he didn't feel he could count on me anymore.
On bad days, it seemed like I'd made a huge, insurmountable mistake.
But ever since I was a little girl, I had two notions in my head. That I was going to be a great mother one day, and that somehow, I was going to do something big with my life. Something important. Something beyond my immediate family that would make an impact on my life and the lives of others.
And the funny thing was that as a child of the 70s, and myself the fourth child of a working mother, I never thought that these twin dreams would ever, should ever, come into conflict.
So when they did, I did what any ambitious human - man or woman - would do. I I made a conscious, doggedly determined effort to change my work situation to fit my life. My mantra - If I was going to be away from my daughters for 11 hours each day, then I damn well was going to do something during that time that enriched my life.
And so I pulled myself out of my dead-end job and in two years had launched myself into a new career.
Which leads me to today.
I attended my first Executive Moms luncheon, and found myself in a kind of working mother wonderland - smack dab in the middle of hundreds of women who , or the most part, are a lot like me.
Not that we were a homogenous group. The panel discussion, led by Deborah Roberts of 20/20, revealed that even very successful women are still facing hostility in the workplace when they try to balance their work/family life. One top executive at a Fortune 500 company was clearly not benefitting from a work/life balance, and noted that her boss frankly admitted to her (a mother of three little tykes) that he didn't like children.
While one panelist wryly pointed out that if instead he had isaid that he didn't like women, the board of directors would have booted him immediately, - another questioned why the woman stayed in such a hostile evironment when she clearly had the skills to go somewhere else.
Roberts even admitted that it was 5 years before she felt she had "proved herself" enough at ABC to warrant bringing her children to work.
All the women I met today were at different stages in their emotional life as a working mother. But I think the one truth we all shared was that when God was handing out DNA, our particular strands were genetically programmed to make us procreate and have careers.
Forget for a moment the obstacles that crop up again and again. The glass ceiling, the fear of being "mommy tracked," the recalcitrant boss. As one panelist pointed out, women make up 51 percent of the world and by and large, we're the ones holding ourselves back.
"When will we be ready for a woman president?" she asked rhetorically. "When the women of this country are ready for one." And not a second before.
I'm too young to have participated in any bra-burnings, or to have ever had much interest in Ms. Magazine or Betty Friedan (although I did thoroughly enjoy "Our Bodies, Ourselves).
But I'm old enough to realize that my future as a woman, as a participant in this world, and as a mother, is in my own capable hands.
And just as a new mother I feared that I would fail my child, but instead rose to the occasion, so I put my faith in myself in every new challenge others hand me, or I choose for myself. ra
I haven't yet made that mark I'm planning to leave on this earth. But I'm only 44, and my life still brims and whirs with possibilities.. And it's nice to know that there are scores of other women out there brimming and whirring right along with me.
Nevermind the fact that I really couldn't afford not to work.
When they clung to my legs at daycare and begged me not to leave, day after day - for months. When I guardedly, optimistically sent them to school with the sniffles, only to be called as soon as I got to work to take them home. When someone other than me saw them crawl for the first time, when I forgot to pack their snack, or their library book, when my boss told me that I'd missed so much work to care for sick children that he didn't feel he could count on me anymore.
On bad days, it seemed like I'd made a huge, insurmountable mistake.
But ever since I was a little girl, I had two notions in my head. That I was going to be a great mother one day, and that somehow, I was going to do something big with my life. Something important. Something beyond my immediate family that would make an impact on my life and the lives of others.
And the funny thing was that as a child of the 70s, and myself the fourth child of a working mother, I never thought that these twin dreams would ever, should ever, come into conflict.
So when they did, I did what any ambitious human - man or woman - would do. I I made a conscious, doggedly determined effort to change my work situation to fit my life. My mantra - If I was going to be away from my daughters for 11 hours each day, then I damn well was going to do something during that time that enriched my life.
And so I pulled myself out of my dead-end job and in two years had launched myself into a new career.
Which leads me to today.
I attended my first Executive Moms luncheon, and found myself in a kind of working mother wonderland - smack dab in the middle of hundreds of women who , or the most part, are a lot like me.
Not that we were a homogenous group. The panel discussion, led by Deborah Roberts of 20/20, revealed that even very successful women are still facing hostility in the workplace when they try to balance their work/family life. One top executive at a Fortune 500 company was clearly not benefitting from a work/life balance, and noted that her boss frankly admitted to her (a mother of three little tykes) that he didn't like children.
While one panelist wryly pointed out that if instead he had isaid that he didn't like women, the board of directors would have booted him immediately, - another questioned why the woman stayed in such a hostile evironment when she clearly had the skills to go somewhere else.
Roberts even admitted that it was 5 years before she felt she had "proved herself" enough at ABC to warrant bringing her children to work.
All the women I met today were at different stages in their emotional life as a working mother. But I think the one truth we all shared was that when God was handing out DNA, our particular strands were genetically programmed to make us procreate and have careers.
Forget for a moment the obstacles that crop up again and again. The glass ceiling, the fear of being "mommy tracked," the recalcitrant boss. As one panelist pointed out, women make up 51 percent of the world and by and large, we're the ones holding ourselves back.
"When will we be ready for a woman president?" she asked rhetorically. "When the women of this country are ready for one." And not a second before.
I'm too young to have participated in any bra-burnings, or to have ever had much interest in Ms. Magazine or Betty Friedan (although I did thoroughly enjoy "Our Bodies, Ourselves).
But I'm old enough to realize that my future as a woman, as a participant in this world, and as a mother, is in my own capable hands.
And just as a new mother I feared that I would fail my child, but instead rose to the occasion, so I put my faith in myself in every new challenge others hand me, or I choose for myself. ra
I haven't yet made that mark I'm planning to leave on this earth. But I'm only 44, and my life still brims and whirs with possibilities.. And it's nice to know that there are scores of other women out there brimming and whirring right along with me.
posted by workinmom at 11:09 PM
12 Comments:
Thanks for the truly inspiring post. I, too, am the 40ish working mother of twin girls (mine are 5). And while I'm fortunate to work for a company that makes that "Top 100 companies for Working Mothers" every year... I still spend a fair amount of time feeling like where ever I am, it isn't where I need to be. And the more women I talk to about this, the more I see how common this feeling is.
That is a great post, and a great way to approach the world.
Hugs ... having returned to work after a break (5 years) I am understanding again the pressures from both sides. I actually told my DD she had to suffer with wet jeans after field day because it was not an emergency, normally I would have run to her side and rescued her. I believe these changes will make her a stronger person, and my twins are loving my working - just because I am with them though!
I'm commenting on behalf of Isabel at Sisterhood Six. She would like to include this on the monthly carnival. If that's okay, email her at carnival@sisterhoodsix.com
Hope it is okay,
leah
Amen - it sounds like a wonderful group!
S
I had the same exact conversation with my boss about two years ago. It was one of the worst things I'd ever heard someone say about me -- I'd always been the Star Employee. But what choice did I have? Somehow wave a magic wand and make my kids not get sick? Even with splitting the sick-kid duty with my husband it was always a problem.
I'm glad you found this group. I hope that it helps.
I came via Sisterhood Six - this is a great post, and I feel jealous of you for finding the group. I wonder whether I should try and get my organisation to set up something similar. It is different when you are a mother.
You've particularly inspired me to make sure that what I do at work counts for me.
“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived lives of the parents.” Carl Jung
Right.
I had to bring my son to work a fe weeks ago. Of course I ran into the President.. He didn't look pleased. First time I brought him in the 3.5 years I worked there.
Janis
Love this post. You should submit this, or some part of it, for a post over at Work It. I think it would be a great read for the moms there.
What could be a more potentially positive, powerful contribution to the world at large than your children? "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world." It's sooo true! These days so many women think that if they are not "out there" making a difference in the world outside the home, in some public way, then they aren't really doing anything important or impacting the world in a positive way. Because staying at home to be *available* to meet our children's needs is *hidden* from the sight of the rest of the world, we think it's insignificant. Not so. To her, I am the #1 Most Important Person in Life. If I were at work right now, I wouldn't be around to hear my girl crying for her mommy. Often, when she needs me to hold her, even her favorite blanket will not take my place. Nor Daddy. Nor Grandma. That beats being Star Employee. Once I learned to trust my husband to care for my family's financial needs (and btw, he too though we couldn't afford it--it never works out on paper, but it really does in real life if you cut out non-necessities), even if that meant "downsizing" our lives, I saw that the time I was investing in my daughter's daily life was molding her into a richer human being. I see so many possibilities in raising her to be a young woman of great character, but I know I couldn't do that if she was in the care of a mommy substitute. Now, at home, I'm the Queen of my Realm. I don't have to deal with recalcitrant bosses. Just a loving husband who always backs me up in putting our child's needs first. I'd take that over my ex-boss's growling any day!
On a recent Oprah Winfrey show on the topic, she had a statistic that said 75% of working moms said they'd stay home if they could afford it. What I've learned is that our lifestyle is as expensive as we make it. We could downsize our life if we want, but often tie ourselves down to the mortgage, the carpayments, the eating out, the whatever it is. There's a great blog that deals with this a lot: www.homelivinghelper.blogspot.com
Just found your site. So good to hear from a fellow full-time working mom of twins. I, too, have twins (23 mons) and I have a challenging "big" career. And it's tough but I am doing what I want to do b/c that is who I am. You said it so well....I did get the DNA that has the "ya gotta have a challenging career to be happy". It's just nice to see your posts and have you articulate it a lot better than me!
I am adding you to my blogroll.
-cindy
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